I’ve been dragging my feet on writing this particular message to you because the timing is important and I wanted to have just the right message. But I’ve decided that I’m just going to toss that notion out the door and just be totally self-indulgent in sharing with you what’s in my head this holiday season.

One of the reasons that December is so important to me, is that there are a lot of days in the month that have deep value to me. Many days for reflecting and thinking about the past, the present, and the future…  

I’m actually writing this on Sunday morning, December 5th. Lee and I call this our “gotcha day.” We met via blind date on December 5th, 2007. For nine years, it was our anniversary until we got married five years ago on November 6th and it became our official anniversary. But we still celebrate December 5th as well. 

By the time you read this, my birthday (the 12th) will have come and gone. I will probably spend it alone since we really don’t know anyone here yet and Lee almost always has to work on my birthday. My attention will be very focused on the remaining 12 days until Christmas. (Because I think too much) my focus is also already on the changing of the year and what that will mean in this little town Lee and I now live in. In Denver, I had a place I would go to “visit my mother.” I’ve scoped out the place to do that where we live now and I’ll be needing pink roses to take to her on her birthday (the 24th.) 

All of these things are normal and yet none of it is normal. I see mountains outside my windows, but there’s no snow on top of them. There are no evergreen trees decorated in my front yard and almost every tree I see is a palm tree. There is something that is very disorienting about a holiday season in shorts and t-shirts and sandals (with apologies to those down under.) I know that in time it will become the new normal for us. But I think my body is confused. As much as I love Christmas, I am having a hard time feeling it because the outside parts don’t match my interpretation of the holiday. (Cue Cindy Lou Who singing “Where are You Christmas?”)

And yet, what matters most about the holidays is what’s inside. 

I am a very introspective person. I question what I feel and why am I feeling it all the time. I reflect upon the meaning of moments and the passing of time on a regular basis. I believe that the reason I am so gifted with signs from the angels and the Divine is because I’m so diligent about looking for them. And so I am very focused on the deep meaning of this big change in Lee’s and Riley’s and my lives. When you overlap that with the other milestones happening right now, perhaps I’m just overwhelmed by it all. I keep reaching for the Peace cup rather than the Joy cup (see blog from 11/29/21) because I think that’s what is missing for me right now is the peace part. But maybe I need to be reaching for the Joy cup. Maybe it’s time to stop analyzing everything and just “be.” 

As silly and childlike as I can obviously be, I think it’s possible that I’ve gotten just a little too serious as I’ve gotten older. I look in the mirror and see the aging and the gray hair and it doesn’t fit with who I feel that I really am. So am I becoming someone different? Or am I just thinking too much?

I know that all of this is very common for people as they get older. It’s just a lot to adjust to.  

You know what I need? I need Christmas movies. It’s time for The Santa Clause, The Sound of Music, and Scrooged. I need a little Arthur Christmas and A Wish for Wings That Work. 

Yup. I’m switching to the Joy cup.

 

Happy Birthday to me.
~Radleigh

 

 

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